“I Looked Death in the Face, and It Had Antennae”: Local Man Says He’ll Never Eat Paella Again
TENERIFE — In a harrowing tale of survival, 34 year old British tourist Darren Cleghorn has returned home a changed man after a near fatal encounter with a cockroach in his Tenerife hotel room. The incident, already being described by Darren as “worse than Brexit,” occurred on day three of his week long all inclusive escape to the island paradise.
The Horror Unfolds
Darren, armed with nothing but a pair of novelty flip flops and a two-day sunburn, recounted the traumatic ordeal: “I was minding me own business, scrolling through TikTok on the loo, when I spotted this absolute beast crawling towards me. At first, I thought it was a small dog. Or possibly my ex.”
According to Darren, the cockroach, described by eyewitnesses (Darren’s girlfriend, Tracey) as “medium-sized and possibly just a shadow”, lunged at him with “intent to kill and/or mildly inconvenience.” Panicked, Darren resorted to a time honoured battle tactic: screaming and throwing complimentary shampoo bottles.
A Nation Mourns (with Laughter)
Hotel staff quickly responded to the commotion, which could be heard three floors down. “We thought someone had been stabbed,” said front desk attendant Pablo Fernandez. “Turns out it was just another tourist meeting one of our beloved, highly photogenic roaches.”
Tracey, still visibly shaken, shared: “He screamed ‘Tell my mum I love her!’ and then dived onto the bed, breaking the remote. I’ve never felt more single in my life.”
Darren Demands Recognition
Upon safe return to Manchester, Darren has petitioned the UK government for a knighthood and is reportedly in talks to star in his own reality series, “I’m A Brit, Get Me Out of Here! (Again).” He has also started a GoFundMe to “raise awareness for the true dangers of Spanish wildlife” and hopes to fund future therapy sessions.
Sources confirm the cockroach remains at large, living its best life and posting cryptic stories on Instagram.
Experts Weigh In
Entomologist Dr. Linda Hattersley provided much needed perspective: “Cockroaches are more afraid of us than we are of them, except, apparently, in Darren’s case.”
Darren, still haunted, issued a warning to fellow tourists: “If you see one of these monsters, don’t be a hero. Just scream, run, and consider holidaying in the Lake District instead.”
As for the cockroach, it could not be reached for comment, but was last seen entering a tapas bar, ordering sangria, and telling anyone who’d listen about the time it survived a Mancunian tourist.
