“I came for the sunburn and the pints,” laments confused holiday goer.
TENERIFE, SPAIN – In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking revelation for British tourists, local man Dave “The Lad” Thompson has reportedly discovered that the sun-soaked island of Tenerife is not, in fact, just a massive pub equipped with a swimming pool and perpetual happy hour.
“I was shocked, absolutely gobsmacked,” confessed Thompson, a seasoned traveller known for his acute ability to locate the nearest bar within minutes upon arriving at any destination. “Here I was thinking that Tenerife was just one big ‘Spoons with a beach. Turns out there are actual mountains, forests, and some sort of culture nonsense.”
Thompson’s revelations came to light on the second day of his two week holiday, when, in a desperate attempt to locate the “world’s largest pint,” he accidentally stumbled into Teide National Park. “I was just looking for The Red Lion, and suddenly I was surrounded by all these trees and a massive volcano. It was proper mental.”
His findings have sent shock waves through the tight knit community of British expats and tourists who frequent the Canary Island for its renowned British cuisine, featuring such exotic dishes as “Fish and Chips” and “Full English Breakfast.”
Local pub owner, Pete “the Pint” Jenkins, expressed concern over the possible implications of Thompson’s discovery: “If folks start realising there’s more to do here than drink and get 2-for-1 kebabs, we could be looking at a cultural collapse. Who needs gorgeous landscapes when you’ve got pints at half price?”
Moreover, Thompson’s accidental foray into the world of sightseeing has inadvertently inspired fellow tourists to venture beyond their sun loungers and venture into the unknown. A rare phenomenon, cultural curiosity among British holidaymakers, has reportedly increased by a staggering 0.02%.
Some tourists, however, remain sceptical. “Yeah, nah,” said Elaine, a frequent Tenerife holidaymaker who spends her time sampling the island’s diverse array of British themed bars. “I’ll believe it when I see it. Until then, I’m sticking with what I know: sunburn and a pint in each hand.”
As Dave “The Lad” returns to the comfort of his regular pub stool, he reflects on his unexpected journey, leaving future travellers with a profound message: “At the end of the day, it’s a bit of alright having a mountain in your backyard, but nothing beats a cold lager and a packet of crisps.”
In response to the overwhelming demand, local tour operators are now considering offering guided tours of the “mysterious non beer places” on the island, complete with a complimentary pint at the end to calm the nerves of any adventurous attendees.
